Sh*t Horror Films Have Taught Me

Don’t Talk To Strangers.

Just to be safe, don’t befriend the weird kid whose parents mysteriously vanished. Also, try not to talk to creepy locals at gas stations while you’re driving into town.

Don’t Go Into Towns With Weird Histories.

If 50 little kids from (insert town here) were snatched from their rooms back in 1966, and this is the 50th anniversary of their disappearance, you probably shouldn’t move into (insert town here) right now.

Don’t Move Into Houses Where People Have Been Murdered.

If perfectly normal Johnny Murderface suddenly slaughtered his whole family at 666 Red Maple Lane, don’t move into 666 Red Maple Lane. It might be on sale, but remember – it’s on sale because people were brutally murdered in it and there are still bloodstains on the ceiling. Come on now.

Don’t Have Sex In The Forest.

I know you and your wide-jawed, muscular, washboard-abbed boy toy want to get naked and freaky in the forest, but you need to chill out. I can bet you don’t want your man to get arrowed through the chest, or to run long-distance, un-armed, with your boobs out.

Don’t Have Sex, Ever.

Virgins win at horror films. So, don’t have sex ever. Being the mom/the good girl pays off… other than the fact that you’ll be extremely sexually frustrated – which, now that I think about it, is probably the reason you can muster such power to fight off killers.

Don’t Get Drunk/ High.

If you decide to drink and dance on tables, you’re probably going to die. Especially if you’re also doing the next “don’t” as well.

Don’t Go To A Cabin In The Woods.

Don’t do it. You and your friends will not make it to sunrise. Ok, the virgin probably will. So if you’re the virgin, congrats! But it you’re not, bye Felicia.

Don’t Date Anyone.

Your significant other will probably end up killing all of your friends while wearing a stupid ghost mask – because their father was killed ten years ago by your mother’s father’s uncle’s dog and they’re super not over it. P.S. You won’t know about their history until you completely trust and have fallen in love with them. Be prepared to kill them before they kill you.

Don’t Hang Out With People From Different Stereotypes.

If you have a jock friend, a virgin friend, a pretty ‘sl*tty’ friend, a stoner friend, and just one black friend, you’re doomed. If you’re none of the above, you have a shot of never being in a horror movie ever.

Don’t Go Outside.

Going outside is always a mistake. You should never do it.

Stay in bed and never do anything ever.

Bye.

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