When I can’t sleep late at night, I often play around on my phone… candy crush, Instagram and sometimes even on Tinder.
And I’m not one to knock Tinder – I met my last boyfriend on there.
However, whenever I spend sometime surfing “the tinder sea”, I’m always left wondering…. how the hell have so many of these guys not figured this thing out yet?
See – there’s basic Tinder rules that are very easy to follow… and yet rarely are.
For example: 5 pictures of you giving “the shocker” are not going to make us want to get to know you… (okay, well maybe some girls might… who am I to judge).
So for those guys out there, who have so far not met their Tinderella, this one’s for you…
I’ve laid out the following point system of photo choices… please pay close attention and adjust your profiles accordingly…
This is a fool proof system, I promise you.
– One of your photos is with your mom… we will think you’re sweet, family oriented, and a great catch. (+ 50 points)
– One of your photos is with your cat/dog… girls love pets. (+10 points)
– You have pictures at a cottage… tbh, girls love cottages. (+20 points)
– You have a nice body, but your picture of it is subtle. Ex. You at the beach with friends, instead of you, naked, trying to pose sexy in front of the mirror. (+10 points)
– You effectively showcase your job or hobby before we even chat… this gives us something to talk about. (+10 points)
– You actually have a bio… you take the opportunity to introduce yourself in a thoughtful way. (+10 points)
– You have some party pictures, but also a mix of some more serious ones (graduation, at a wedding, playing sports)… you showcase balance. (+10 points)
– Your picture is well framed (good head-room)… this actually goes a long way. (+20 points)
– You’re bio is kind and respectful, or at least really funny… humour goes so very far. (+10 points)
– You showcase your love of wine… especially red (in my case). (+15 points)
– You aren’t drunk in every photograph/ a total bar star… this is commendable. (+5 points)
– Your photo is balanced with sophistication and fun… this makes us want to see where you might take us on a date. (+20 points)
– You have pictures of your actual face… is this so hard to ask for? (+10 points)
– You went to school/ Have a job… we love ambition and hope you have goals. (+20 points)
– Your photos show your sense of adventure/travel… “girls just wanna have fun”.(+3o points)
– You have a mix of solo pictures and pictures with friends…. we like to know that other people like you. (+10 points)
– You have pictures outdoors… everyone loves a good landscape. (+10 points)
– If your first picture is with your shirt off, you’re trying far too hard to get our attention…simmer a bit. (- 10 points)
– Please don’t write: “Legit no catfish” on your photo. (DEAL BREAKER)
– We’re not into weird photo edits…anymore (holla at 2007 though) . (-30 points)
– Your photos are all blurry… WHY?! (-10 points)
– Your bio is filled with spelling mistakes or vulgar language… no thank you. (-20 points)
– Your photos are all of guns… this will make us feel a bit nervous (-20 points)
– You don’t even have a photo… mysterious (and not in the good way)… we could have been great together Lloyd, but now we’ll never know. (DEAL BREAKER)
– Your photos are of you, in bed…. wait, you’re sleeping, who took this? What is going on? (-50 points)
– All of your photos have 5 dudes in them and I have no idea which is you… do I get to date all of them? I’m confused. (DEAL BREAKER)
– Not into mirror selfies… please, just flip your camera around… we have smart phones with dual-way lenses for this reason. (- 10 points)
– ESPECIALLY not into flexing gym selfies… it’s way too much. (-15 points)
– Popping veins make me wanna vom (as in vomit)… I want to have a crush on you, I don’t want to be crushed by you. (- 15 points)
– Not into pictures of vehicles… unless you’re a transformer then yeah, I might be. (-1o points)
– If you’re going to hide your face in every photo, you’re already being sketchy. (DEAL BREAKER)
– If your photo is too close up, I’m uncomfortable.(-15 points)
– You clearly already have a girlfriend… “you’re tacky and I hate you”. (DEAL BREAKER)
– I don’t want to see you passed out drunk… I’m not looking to be a babysitter. (-10 points)
– Being surrounded by a lot of girls in a bar picture does not impress me… try a picture of mom instead… you’ll see this will get you many points. (-5 points)
– Mocking a “girl pic” or “duck face” as one of your photos is just a waste of a photo… and honestly not as funny as you seem to think it is. (-10 points)
– Not into pictures of dead animals… not feeling the romance here (although the right girl for you might). (-20 points)
– A strong photo does not consist of you with a woman in a wedding dress… slightly misleading/concerning. (-30 points)
– Also note: “Not my kid” is not a great opening line… Maybe just choose a different photo? I’d be afraid swiping right would make me a step-mom. (-15 points)
– “Just looking for sex, text me”…Ok, I appreciate the honesty, but at the same time, I don’t… put in at least a shred of effort. (-50 points)
– If you can’t take care of nice things. (-5 points)
– Wife and I looking for a threesome”… there needs to be a separate app for this. (DEAL BREAKER)
– Sure I like hockey players, but I can’t see your face through your cage… give me something to work with here. (- 5 points)
– You’re already showing signs of aggression towards me. (- 50 points)
– If you have the same name as one of my exes, you have to be even hotter for me to swipe right… it’s not you, it’s me. (-10 points)
– You have a chin strap and that style of facial hair confuses me. (-20 points)
– If your pictures suggest you’re going to kidnap and kill me, it’s not gonna happen. (DEAL BREAKER)
And then there’s Steve…. who has this Tinder picture thing all figured out… with numbers.
A self-made: “Not 21, actually 19, 6’2 klutz”…
1. Can make any situation awkward.
2. He knows how to relax, or be lazy, how ever you put it.
3. He appreciates the small things.
4. He can pretend he’s listening to you.
5. He’s a gentle giant.
Rock On Steve.