The title grabbed you – didn’t it?
You’re wondering… what’s up with this girl… can she seriously not handle ever just being alone?
Has she never been “totally single”?
And the answer my dear friends is:
I absolutely can be alone, and I absolutely can be totally single.
But, to be honest, I’ve decided to choose not to.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not jumping from one relationship into another. Nor am I throwing myself into the arms of any man that will take me. Trust.
When I say I’m always talking to a guy it’s because I’m either:
A. In a relationship with them.
B. Single and casually mingling with a bunch of new guys (On maybe Bumble, Tinder, etc.)
C. Genuinely interested in getting to know a specific person.
I’ll drop a truth bomb here: Just because I’m newly single doesn’t mean I can’t talk to men for fun and already be open to something more.
At age 22, I’ve had three long term relationships.
And yes, I’ve gone days or weeks without talking to any new guys in between those relationships, but no – I have never completely “sworn off guys” for a long period of time instead of choosing to explore what my next romantic options might be.
To me, being “totally single” is some weird concept that I think women created to not only feel better about becoming recently single (because let’s face it, it’s hard and it sucks), but also to try and promote an idea that they don’t need a man to be happy – that they are fine on their own.
And YES girl, that is exactly right – you don’t NEED a man! You are STRONG. You are INDEPENDENT. You ARE fine on your own. Preach!
And YES girl, I KNOW you can be perfectly happy by swearing off guys for a while post-break up and being “totally single”. That’s super healthy – good for you!
I do get the idea of not talking to any men in order to focus on yourself… but here’s where I start to disagree…
When we completely write men out of our lives in these situations – aren’t we giving them some sort of unwarranted credit for being a distraction to our well being? Aren’t we then blaming a whole gender with having some sort of voodoo power over us, that sucks away our independence, self-love, and focus? Are we saying that men are the reason for everything we lack and want back, and that we can’t achieve anything wonderful while with them?
I understand that it takes time to repair broken hearts, to get a handle on difficult emotions, to feel ready to get back in the “game”.
Truly, I get it.
I’ve been there!
But what I don’t understand is why being single ever needs to mean that you’re “TOTALLY single”… a made-up title that would cause me to deprive myself of interesting conversations, cool opportunities, and romantic connections with men – that may naturally present themselves.
I also dont ever want to give men the power of me saying I’ve sworn off them as a whole… basically providing them with an ego boost that they: make me weak like kryptonite… and that I cannot live without weening myself off of their testosterone-filled grasp.
Yes, OK. I have in the past said:
“Omg I hate men, I want to be single forever”
….and other crap like that – but LET’S BE REAL… I’m a straight up liar.
I love men.
I love talking to men.
And even when I’m newly single and consciously trying to take time to focus on myself and my wants as a woman – I cannot deny those feelings of still wanting to talk to, or be around a man who I find attractive.
There. I said it.
Men make me feel good.
This may sound SUPER anti-feminist to some, but to me, owning up to my truths regarding this topic, only verifies my feminist beliefs.
It also feels liberating to fully admit that no, I don’t like being completely alone and not having someone I like to text, and yes, sometimes I feel better, happier, and more fulfilled when I’m talking to someone new that interests me and wants to take time out of their day to make me smile.
My girl-friends are wonderful and amazing, and there are times where being out with the girls is just what I need. But – I would be lying to myself if I said that at the end of the night, I wasn’t kind of wishing I had someone to go home with or go home to, or just to text before bed.
You might not want to admit it, but I will.
My idea of feminism is that I get to choose for myself what I want, what makes me feel good, and what makes me happy… And if part of that is talking to a man, dating a man, getting to know a man, or being with a man, whenever I feel like it – then I’m totally going to go for it.
Do you agree?
Send me your thoughts!
[Main photo: http://downtownfeed.com/deepti-lakra/sex-and-romance/guy-totally-not-find/2/]