The Five Stages Of Realizing You’re Not Going Back To School In September


September is a approaching and you begin to realize that you won’t be “back to school shopping” this year… because you’re not going back.
You’ve graduated. You’re done. Holy shit. WAIT.
No, just because your time at school is done doesn’t mean you have to be a grown up and get a real job… does it? Of course not, you’ve got plenty of time, and you’re mom probably WANTS you to stay at home, at least for a few years, till you can afford things, right? Right?! And I’m sure she won’t mind continuing to pay your phone bill. I’m sure. I’m sure? Everything is fine, everything is FINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She's reached the end of her rope!
Everything is not fine. Everything is not fine because living back in my parents house makes me feel like I’m freaking 5 years old again. Plus, I have a MILLION dollars in student debt that I’m probably never going to be able to pay off because this stupid school sucked me dry of all this stupid money that I didn’t even have to begin with and now I feel even stupider than I did before I even went there for four stupid years!!! Also, I have ZERO job prospects and I’m sick and tired of people asking me what my plan is – HOW WOULD I KNOW?!!?!!!?!


Ok, Mom, so can I please just live here until I hear back from one of those 100 jobs I just applied for? Please – I promise I’m trying. I dont know, maybe I should go back to school? Take more courses? Take a new program? Maybe get a masters? Or maybe I should sign up to be a Sugar Baby? I just don’t know what I’m doing… I’m not cut out for adulting. Can someone please figure my life out for me? Can I hire someone for this? Dad? Can I borrow money – I haven’t eaten in days…. Can someone please just hire me already? or just hug me? Something? Please?

I haven’t left my room in 5 days. I’ve been eating stale soda crackers and refreshing my email every minute to see if a job interview email has come. I hate everyone and everything. I must be un-hirable. Four years of undergrad for nothing…. I miss dollar beer nights, late night study sessions, and drunk make-outs on random Tuesdays. My life is now a dark and meaningless abyss… what have I become? Nothing. 

I’m doing all I can to figure my shit out. I must stay positive and try to act as adult as I possibly can. I will get a job eventually, and I will be able to pay of my debts… it might just take a while. Take a deep breath and continue to work hard – have hope, and if it makes you feel better, go back to school shopping anyways – every one needs a new stapler every now and then… just make sure to put it on your moms credit card – you’re broke, remember?

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