Earlier this week I sent out a message on my social media platforms asking my followers to refer me to people who may be interested in being interviewed about their stories/businesses/and causes, for some new pieces.
Along with this message, I also asked if anyone had a story or topic they wanted to see me cover and investigate.
One return message really caught my attention:
“Write about your ideal future life – your perfect life”.
The thought of writing an article about this both intrigued me and TERRIFIED me.
It took me a few days to decide to write this, but here it is.
The very honest truth is, I really don’t want to write about my ideal future… and because I really don’t want to, I’m not going to.
The reasons behind these feelings are complex, and would be super boring to explain to you… but what it really boils down to is – I just really don’t know what I want yet.
I also think I’m afraid to write anything down as my “perfect” because I still, at this point in my life, am fearful to be let down, disappointed and wrong.
I am also certain that in getting to know myself better, and understanding who I am, and how I am, I don’t think perfect is something that will ever describe my reality in any way.
As a person who has suffered deeply with anxiety and depression in the past, and still at times now, I am scared to jinx myself.
I am nervous that if I dream too big, or hope too much, receiving anything else as my reality, will turn depressing… something I do not want to deal with.
I know I must try to be a positive person, and I generally believe that I am, however, I’ve increasingly learnt to be a realist.
Due to my struggles, I now look to live more in the present, (knowing I’m safe, healthy, happy and ok in this very moment), then to re-hash the past, or to look too far into my future.
When I was sick, I was taught to be mindful of this “now” – because most of my anxieties stem from over-obsessing about the past, OR worrying too much about what my future holds or doesn’t hold.
I know that although I am continuing to heal, these illnesses and fears will never disappear for me – which in the eyes of the world mean I will never be “perfect”.
I’ve learnt to be hopeful, but not to expect perfection… because the idea of perfection is full of false promises, and when we expect perfection, we become waaaaaay too hard on ourselves, and on the people around us.
Yes, it would be nice to imagine my life with the typical ideas of perfection: the perfect mansion, the perfect dog, the perfect job, the perfect mom-bod, the perfect kids and husband…. but to be honest, to me, that all sounds kind of boring and stupid.
I want a little chaos, I want a little surprise, I want a little crazy… because I think that’s more real, more me.
I also want to actually WORK for the things that make me happy and not just settle and have things handed to me.
I think that it can be super fun to hope for awesome things for the future – and don’t get me wrong, I DO do this all the time on sites like Pinterest…. yes I have a “Future Wife, Future Life” board, and yes I have planned my wedding in my head… but I do think there is a difference between wanting nice things to happen to yourself/ hoping to be fulfilled/ happy, and wanting a “perfect life”.
So, if I HAD to describe my perfect life, gun to my head, all I would really want is to truly feel happy and healthy with whatever reality I have worked for and been given in life – that’s honestly, truthfully, it.
What more can you really ask for?